glenn hofstetter
Viper Owner
I have noticed that many of us avoid the use of valet service which I believe to be one of the best things about owning a Viper. I can only guess that many of you aren't familiar with the theater of viper drop off and pick up so here it is: Your car must be spotless, with fully inflated tires, and not smoking. Your rechargeable flash light must be at peak charge. You should be dressed casual chic and if you have a passenger it must be a woman. This last requirement is waved in Santa Monica, P-Town and South Beach Fl. First select a time when it is most likely to be very crowded at the valet's station. Fridays and Saturdays are prime. This would be about 7:45pm (lots of incoming cars) and 11:15pm (many outgoing cars. This gives you maximum crowd exposure. If you have lots of time you might want to drop the car off and pick it up several times in one evening at different locations. If the sun is still up wear sun glasses. This allows your eyes to scan the crowd for reactions without them knowing it. Turn you air conditioner on full so the searing gearshift stem doesn't radiate enough heat into the cabin to produce any perspiration. Perspiration is NOT COOL. The air conditioner may also have a positive effect on certain key parts of your passenger's body adding to the crowd's pleasure. Just before you arrive explain, yet again to the passenger, that the side sills are very hot, capable of melting shoe soles and branding human flesh. This always works better than asking them not to drag their hob-nailed boots over the sills, scratching your paint. You do this now so you don't have to do it when you arrive. The reasoning here is the onlookers must think you are totally unconcerned that the act of getting in and out of the car could permanently damage the car. Telling this to your passenger as the valet opens the door is NOT COOL. When you arrive drive in slowly and without reving the engine so that the public doesn't think you are trying to gain attention. Anything else will label you as a showoff or someone in the middle of a mid-life crisis. Bring the car to a halt (praying that the breaks don't squeak) and remain inside the car until the attendant opens your door. This will give you time to note your exact mileage. A slight wait inside the car will allow the crowd to think you are some famous person who is trying to stay un-noticed until the last possible second. Ask the valet to park your car in front and warn him that if he drags his foot across your sill you will seek punitive damages against him, his family, his employer, his city's mayor and the United State D.O T. Further he will be deported or, if an American citizen, will be sent to the Arctic for a relaxing 4 weeks next winter. Meet your passenger on her side of the car and immediately and quickly walk away from the vehicle. The speed of your walk is an important and much overlooked element of the drop off procedure. Walking away quickly gives purpose and importance to your arrival and makes people think that you have arrived (to whatever event you are heading for) "fashionably late". It also certifies that you are not interested in the car, the valet or the crowd because you have something bigger and important on your mind. Perhaps it might be the cost of gold, a political uprising in Samatra, our oil reserves or the price of T-bills. Looking back is NOT COOL. Select a route that will take you through the thickest portion of the crowd. Be prepared for the following remarks and questions:
1) Remark "Your brakes squeak", response "all high performance brakes squeak until they reach racing temperatures"
2) Remark "what is it" response "one of only 71 Vipers in that year and color in the known world"
3) Remark "What does something like that costs" response "Around 100K out the door but you have to know someone to get it"
4) Remark "How fast will it go" response the Viper speedometer in the current model says 220MPH"
5) Remark "how fast have you had it up to, response delivered with a wink, "I really can't say"
6) Remark "what kind of mileage does it get" response "I could care less" or "4 MPH".
Once you have made it through the crowd find a location where you can see the car but the crowd can't see you. Watch your car pull away listening to the amount of throttle and clutch slippage the idiot at the wheel is using. It is at this time that you will question the sanity of this whole operation BUT running back to reclaim the car or screaming "leave my baby alone" is NOT COOL.
Once you have spent enough time until the entire crowd that witnessed your arrival has gone you may pick up you car. Present your ticket to the valet as quietly as possible. Always give you tips in old one dollar bills. Several older bills seem like more in a stack than new ones. The impact of a fistful of cash can be dramatic as seen by both the crowd and the valet. Never mind that the tip is only 3 dollars it will seem like more. Arraign the cash in your hand now to give maximum size impression. Remind your passenger that the side sills are only a few degrees cooler than the sun's core. Also remind them that the seat belt is on their left once they are seated. Wait for the car a good distance away from the pick up point. The spot you wait in should require a route where the crowd you pass through is the thinnest. This way you can walk directly to the car and arrive just before the valet wonders if the owner will ever show. The speed of your walk, as in the drop off leg, should be brisk for the same reasons. If there is a large crowd between you and the car you may miscalculate the time needed to get to the car arriving just as it pulls away. Chasing your Viper while waving your claim ticket over your head is NOT COOL. Help your date into the car, circle around the rear of the car and approach the valet with that *** of money in your outstretched hand. Climb into the cockpit as casually as you can. Do not mention to the passenger that you accidently dragged your shoe across the sill. Seat belt your self in remembering that the seat belts are at the center of the cabin. Check your mileage, it should be no more than 1 mile more (or less) than when you dropped it off. Looking for your seat belt is NOT COOL. While looking in the direction of your passenger scan the crowd for positive reactions. Adjust several of your dash knobs and if possible find something to talk to your passenger about to justify looking in their direction. When you have waited as long as you think is reasonable, count to 100 and then once lightly stab the accelerator like they do in the pits at racing movies. Slowly drive away and turn out of the crowd's sight as soon as possible. Park in a well lighted place. Beginning at the driver's door examine every square inch of the car for damage using your rechargeable flash light. Look for scratches, blushes, fingerprints, tree sap, meter creators, shark teeth and any other new flaw that you can blame on someone else. Craw under the car and check for leaking shocks, heavy dust and random spots of hydrocarbons. If all is fine go to the next valet and repeat the program. If not ask us to send you our tips on how to handle filing for damages. Remember it is most important to BE COOL.
We hope this will help you fully enjoy your Viper, happy motoring.
1) Remark "Your brakes squeak", response "all high performance brakes squeak until they reach racing temperatures"
2) Remark "what is it" response "one of only 71 Vipers in that year and color in the known world"
3) Remark "What does something like that costs" response "Around 100K out the door but you have to know someone to get it"
4) Remark "How fast will it go" response the Viper speedometer in the current model says 220MPH"
5) Remark "how fast have you had it up to, response delivered with a wink, "I really can't say"
6) Remark "what kind of mileage does it get" response "I could care less" or "4 MPH".
Once you have made it through the crowd find a location where you can see the car but the crowd can't see you. Watch your car pull away listening to the amount of throttle and clutch slippage the idiot at the wheel is using. It is at this time that you will question the sanity of this whole operation BUT running back to reclaim the car or screaming "leave my baby alone" is NOT COOL.
Once you have spent enough time until the entire crowd that witnessed your arrival has gone you may pick up you car. Present your ticket to the valet as quietly as possible. Always give you tips in old one dollar bills. Several older bills seem like more in a stack than new ones. The impact of a fistful of cash can be dramatic as seen by both the crowd and the valet. Never mind that the tip is only 3 dollars it will seem like more. Arraign the cash in your hand now to give maximum size impression. Remind your passenger that the side sills are only a few degrees cooler than the sun's core. Also remind them that the seat belt is on their left once they are seated. Wait for the car a good distance away from the pick up point. The spot you wait in should require a route where the crowd you pass through is the thinnest. This way you can walk directly to the car and arrive just before the valet wonders if the owner will ever show. The speed of your walk, as in the drop off leg, should be brisk for the same reasons. If there is a large crowd between you and the car you may miscalculate the time needed to get to the car arriving just as it pulls away. Chasing your Viper while waving your claim ticket over your head is NOT COOL. Help your date into the car, circle around the rear of the car and approach the valet with that *** of money in your outstretched hand. Climb into the cockpit as casually as you can. Do not mention to the passenger that you accidently dragged your shoe across the sill. Seat belt your self in remembering that the seat belts are at the center of the cabin. Check your mileage, it should be no more than 1 mile more (or less) than when you dropped it off. Looking for your seat belt is NOT COOL. While looking in the direction of your passenger scan the crowd for positive reactions. Adjust several of your dash knobs and if possible find something to talk to your passenger about to justify looking in their direction. When you have waited as long as you think is reasonable, count to 100 and then once lightly stab the accelerator like they do in the pits at racing movies. Slowly drive away and turn out of the crowd's sight as soon as possible. Park in a well lighted place. Beginning at the driver's door examine every square inch of the car for damage using your rechargeable flash light. Look for scratches, blushes, fingerprints, tree sap, meter creators, shark teeth and any other new flaw that you can blame on someone else. Craw under the car and check for leaking shocks, heavy dust and random spots of hydrocarbons. If all is fine go to the next valet and repeat the program. If not ask us to send you our tips on how to handle filing for damages. Remember it is most important to BE COOL.
We hope this will help you fully enjoy your Viper, happy motoring.
